Have you ever thought about suicide? I mean seriously thought about it? Well, I did the other night. But it was the night before my youngest son's birthday. I would have hated for him to remember that his whole life. The next day, on his birthday... I thought about homicide. Seriously thought about it. Actually had to call two of my best friends to talk me down. Calm me down. I seriously think that if I didn't leave that night, that I could have killed him....
Today, my kids had swimming lessons. I took them and I watched them swim, smile and laugh. I helped Ayden with his homework. He fell off the bleacher and hurt his leg. I held him, kissed him and wiped his tears. On the way home, I heard the music in the background of my mind. I heard the kids chatting and singing in the background also.. But what was so loud was my thoughts. I lost myself in them. I thought about, "I wonder if taking a bunch of Lortab with a bunch of my HBP meds would kill me." I wondered if it would be painful or if I would throw up. I wondered if I took a bunch of Advil PM's with the other pills if then I would just go to sleep and then die. I thought about when I could do it. I thought about where I could do it. If I did it at home in my bedroom at night after everyone goes to bed, my oldest son would find me in the morning because he is the first one up. I thought about doing it after everyone went to school and work/golf. But again, my oldest would come home from school and find me. I can't do that to him. I thought about taking a drive to the lake and taking the pills and pushing myself out into the water on a floating device. Someone would find me.... eventually. I thought about going out to the desert... Red Rock. Taking the pills and then hiking up into the hills. Somebody would find me.... eventually. So many options. I then started thinking about my kids' life without me. Who would go to the Mother's Day Tea with them? Who would they give Mother's Day flowers to? Who would kiss them and tell them goodnight or wipe their tears when they were hurt or sad? Who would pick them up from school and take them to swimming lessons and golf lessons? Who would help them with their homework? Who would do my daughter's hair....just right?
I cried all the way home. Hunter sat in the passenger seat asking me what was wrong and all I could do was shake my head. He kept looking over at me. He handed me a tissue. I saw the look on his face. It broke my heart.
I've lost my mom to Alzheimer's. I've lost my brother. I've lost my Aunt. I've lost cousins....my entire family. And now, I've lost my dream home, the security of "family" and my husband. I am done trying to live. It's too hard. Every time I take a step forward, I get pushed back two steps.... therefore never getting ahead. I started taking a "mood" pill about a month and a half ago. Greg didn't like the idea because it would take my sex drive away. But I thought it was more important for me to not be depressed. I thought it was working. But I'm not sure. Because I've never felt so strongly about ending my life.
I don't want to go on. But I don't want to leave my kids. I love them and they are what keep my alive. That brings me to this. If I move forward with the divorce. Then I 'could' lose my kids. He is vicious. He is ruthless. He would do ANYTHING to get them from me, include telling people that I'm crazy. If this happened and I did lose them. I would die. Literally.
I am tired of this fight. I'm tired of every month fighting with him. Every single month when he KNOWS that I am PMSing, he pokes at me. I don't know if he knows he does it, and I've brought it up to him (in the midst of the last battle.) But what I do know is that it happens like clock work. Something so small has turned into World War 3. If he had of just walked away like I told him to the first time after he accused me of being the reason Aria lied. None of this would have happened. But no. He couldn't. He had to keep on and fucking on like he ALWAYS does. HE always has to be RIGHT. He made something his business that wasn't. Then he said that I was treating my children the way my mom treated me. This is what sent me over the edge. Those of you who know my childhood story, know that I do not even come close to treating my kids the way I was treated by my mother. In fact, I pride myself of doing the opposite. For him to throw that ONE thing at me that he KNEW would hurt me the most was unforgivable. ESPECIALLY with everything that's happened in the last six months. And THAT is when I reacted and said those infamous words: "FUCK OFF". And this sent HIM over the edge.
I maintain that I REACTED to HIM and that is what started this whole thing. But he of course... as usual blames me for EVERYTHING. EVERY TIME. I'm done.